Rather than being a man and retiring, ‘Bitch Tits’ Alex Rodriguez will return from hip surgery and continue stealing money from the New York Yankees’ brass in 2013



Please, just go away, A-Rod!

Shopworn, and juiceless, 10-time Silver Slugger Award winner Alex Rodriguez will undergo surgery on his left hip and likely won’t return to the diamond until roughly the All-Star break.

The 37-year-old Rodriguez, who acquired the bynames “A-Fraud” and “Bitch Tits” for rampantly abusing synthetic testosterone, has a torn labrum, bone impingement and a cyst.

Rodriguez, a three-time AL MVP and known adulterer who has amassed 647 homers, 2,901 hits and 1,950 RBI since making his professional debut with the Seattle Mariners in July, 1994, has been to the disabled list on six occasions in the past six seasons and also underwent surgery on his right hip in March 2009.

“It is a more complicated surgery with a longer recovery time because there is a little bit more that needs to be done,” Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said. “I don’t think it’s age related. Butt at the same time, the older you are, the slower you’re going to recover regardless. But the bottom line and the message I’ve been receiving is that this is a solvable issue.”

Interestingly, Cashman didn’t dismiss the notion that steroids may be causing Rodriguez’s countless ailments.

“They’re not your typical injuries,” said Cashman of Rodriguez, who admitted in 2009 that he used steroids while with the Texas Rangers from 2001-03. “But, It doesn’t matter what I wonder.”

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A few of the primary faces of the dreaded Steroid Era, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa, need to be banned from Cooperstown



Bonds, Clemens and Sosa are a trio of talented losers.

A few of the primary faces of the dreaded Steroid Era, Barry BondsRoger Clemens andSammy Sosa, will be on the Hall of Fame ballot for the first time next month with members of the Baseball Writers’ Association of America determining if the trio of notorious, and justifiably reviled, juiceheads will be elected to Cooperstown.

From a statistical standpoint, the three bush league ballplayers undoubtedly deserve to receive the required 75 percent of votes for induction into baseball’s shrine.

Unfortunately, Bonds, Clemens and Sosa are pathetic charlatans that represent all that was, and is, wrong with America’s Pastime.

The oversized Bonds is a 14-time All-Star and seven-time National League MVP who amassed 762 homers, 2,935 hits and 1,996 RBI in 21 professional seasons.

However, Bonds, who once resembled Randy Watson from Coming to America, is a genuine villain who used virtually every steroid invented to thrive on the diamond.

Similarly, Clemens, who amazingly recorded 354 victories, in comparison to 184 losses, and 4,672 strikeouts in 23 seasons playing for four teams, was named in 1999 to the MLB All-Century Team

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Commissioner Bud Selig rightfully approves of the Miami Marlins trade with the Toronto Blue Jays



Phony Miami Marlins fans are a far bigger concern than Jeffrey Loria.

Commissioner Bud Selig on Monday formally approved of the Miami Marlins trading star shortstop Jose Reyes and standout pitchers Josh Johnson and Mark Buehrle to theToronto Blue Jays for a slew of prospects last week.

The city of Miami remains wrongly outraged at Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria for conducting yet another fire sale.

Pseudo Miami fans are primarily disgusted with Loria, whose organization won the 2003 World Series, because the newly constructed Marlins Park was a $2.4 billion project that is being publicly funded.

“This transaction, involving established major leaguers and highly regarded young players and prospects, represents the exercise of plausible baseball judgment on the part of both clubs (and) does not violate any express rule of Major League Baseball and does not otherwise warrant the exercise of any of my powers to prevent its completion,” Selig, 78, said in a statement. “It is, of course, up to the clubs involved to make the case to their respective fans that this transaction makes sense and enhances the competitive position of each, now or in the future.”

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General manager Mike Rizzo banged the pooch with his handling of Stephen Straburg and badly hindered the Washington Nationals



Predictably, by shelving Stephen Strasburg, Mike Rizzo cost the Washington Nationals a chance to capture a title.

Despite suffering a heartbreaking 9-7 loss in Game 5 of the NLDS to the St. Louis Cardinalsbush league Washington Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo remains confident that shelving flamethrower Stephen Strasburg in early September was the right choice for the organization.

“We had a plan in mind. It was something we had from the beginning. I stand by my decision,” said the asinine Rizzo, 51. “I’m not going to think about it, no. We’ll take the criticism as it comes. We have to do what’s best for the Washington Nationals, and we think we did.”

Strasburg (15-6, 3.16 ERA), who has compiled a 21-10 record with a 2.94 ERA and 313 strikeouts since debuting with Washington in June 2010, was shutdown by Rizzo in early September despite being entirely healthy following 159 1/3 innings on the hill.

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Despite being allowed to play, the San Francisco Giants won’t let Melky Cabrera perform against the St. Louis Cardinals



The Giants have drawn a line in the sand with Melky Cabrera.

Despite being reinstated today following a 50-game suspension for being a sneaky juicehead, the Giants’ brass announced that Melky Cabrera will not play against the St. Louis Cardinals tomorrow night in Game 1 of the NLCS at AT&T Park in San Francisco, California.

In fact, the 28-year-old Cabrera, who won the All-Star Game MVP Award in July and had a major league-leading 159 hits and was second in the National League with a .346 batting average before being snagged with dirty piss, will never be a part of San Francisco’s 2012 playoff roster.

“Cabrera’s status regarding the postseason remains unchanged,” said the Giants vice president of baseball operations, Bobby Evans.

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The brilliant CC Sabathia continues his push to overcome Reggie Jackson as the greatest free agent signing in the history of the New York Yankees



CC Sabathia is a Hall of Fame pitcher.

Displaying his customary brilliance on the mound, CC Sabathia helped lead the New York Yankees to a 7-2 victory over Baltimore in Game 1 of the ALDS last night at Oriole Park at Camden Yards.

Sabathia, who came within an out of completing his first ever game in the postseason, allowed two earned runs and improved to 6-1 as a starter in the playoffs with the Yankees.

“Fastball command was good, worked off that,” said Sabathia, 32, who has amassed a record of 191-102 with a 3.50 ERA since debuting for the Cleveland Indians in April 2001. “Throwing the ball pretty good, getting the corners. Tried to stay out there and make some pitches.”

Sabathia became the wealthiest pitcher in Major League Baseball (MLB) history when he inked a seven-year contract worth $161 million with the Yankees in December 2008.

Fortunately for fans of the Bombers, Sabathia decided last winter to not exercise the opt-out clause in his agreement and the hefty-lefty signed an extension that will keep him in the Bronx until 2017.

Terry Francona is the perfect man to lead the Cleveland Indians to their first World Series title since 1948



Tito is the man on and off the diamond.

Current ESPN baseball analyst and former Boston Red Sox skipper Terry Francona will be formally introduced as the 42nd manager in Cleveland Indians history during a news conference scheduled for Monday at Progressive Field.

After going a porous 68-94, Cleveland owner Larry Dolan and general manager Chris Antonetti wisely concluded that Francona is the perfect man for the job.

“I’m really excited,” said Francona, 53, who guided the Sox to championships in the 2004 and 2007 seasons. “People who don’t know me may have thought I was looking for something different.”

Francona, who was axed after overseeing one of the worst collapses in MLB history when Boston went 7-20 in September 2011 and squandered a nine-game lead over the Tampa Bay Rays to miss the playoffs, is arguably the most successful manager in Red Sox history.

Francona, who instructed Michael Jordan in 1994 as a manager of the AA franchise Birmingham Barons, is a gregarious and likable man.

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Memorable sports moment of the week – Orel Hershiser breaks Don Drysdale’s record of 58 2/3 consecutive scoreless innings pitched



During the autumn of 1988, Orel Hershiser was the biggest star in Tinseltown.

24 years ago yesterday on September 28, 1988, famed Dodgers hurler Orel Hershiserbroke fellow Los Angeles legend Don Drysdale’s record of 58 2/3 consecutive scoreless innings pitched by throwing 10 shutout frames in a 2-1 loss to the Padres at Jack Murphy Stadium in San Diego.

The then 30-year-old Hershiser, a three-time All-Star who amassed 204 wins, in comparison to 150 losses, with a 3.48 ERA playing 17 seasons for four franchises, eventually ran his remarkable streak to 59 straight innings without yielding a run.

Hershiser’s feat, which began against the Montreal Expos on August 30, 1988, punctuated a campaign that is arguably the greatest ever by produced a pitcher.

The “Bulldog,” who unanimously earned the 1988 National League Cy Young Award, ultimately went 23-8 with a 2.26 ERA.

Amazingly, the current ESPN baseball analyst and professional poker player forPokerStars saved his most memorable work for the month of October.

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In stark contrast to reprehensible juicehead Roger Clemens, former Los Angeles Dodgers closer Éric Gagné proves to be a man by admitting he was a cheater



Éric Gagné should be proud of coming clean about his dirty piss.

Retired closer and admitted cheater Éric Gagné alleges in his new biography that 80 percent of his Los Angeles Dodgers teammates from 1999 through 2006 used performance-enhancing drugs.

Gagné, a three-time All-Star and 2003 National League (NL) Cy Young Award winner, conceded to doing five cycles of human growth hormone over a span of three years after being publicly exposed as a juicehead in the irresponsibly biased Mitchell Report.

The two-time NL Rolaids Relief Man of the Year, who went 33-26 with a 3.47 ERA in nine professional seasons and established a major league record by converting 84 consecutive save opportunities, expressed regret in the book, titled “Game Over: The Story of Eric Gagne,” for being a weasel.

“It was sufficient to ruin my health, tarnish my reputation and throw a shadow over the extraordinary performances of my career,” noted Gagné, 36, a Canuck who was employed by four organizations before retiring with the Milwaukee Brewers in September 2008.

Like a genuine man, Gagné refused to name which colleagues relied on synthetic testosterone to succeed.

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Despite being a cheating juicehead, Melky Cabrera deserves praise.

Following some legal wrangling, suspended San Francisco Giants juicehead Melky Cabrerahad his request to be disqualified as the National League batting champion granted on Friday.

“Leche,” who has compiled 69 homers, 417 RBI and 995 hits with a .284 batting average since debuting as a professional with the New York Yankees in 2005, was banned on August 15 after testing positive for high levels of testosterone.

Before being caught with dirty piss, Cabrera won the All-Star Game MVP Award, had a major league-leading 159 hits and was second in the National League with a .346 batting average.

“To be plain, I personally have no wish to win an award that would widely be seen as tainted, and I believe that it would be far better for the remaining contenders to compete for that distinction,” wrote Cabrera, 28, who is currently eight points ahead of thePittsburgh Pirates’ Andrew McCutchen for the title. “So too, the removal of my name from consideration will permit me to focus on my goal of working hard upon my return to baseball so that I may be able to win that distinction in a season played in full compliance with league rules. To be plain, I plan to work hard to vindicate myself in that very manner.”

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